Friday, January 26, 2007

LEND ME YOUR EARS SHEN LORDS!

I just read the following in the Houghton Milieu, and it is with disgust that I bring it to your attention. They have a piece called "A day in the Life of Houghton College," and our very own Shenawana Hall was featured in the 11:00 pm slot with a brief article entitled Quiet Hours. Has Shenawana degenerated into a Lord of the Flies like scenario. Don't make me come back there Shenawana and drop some law and order on you. ...and I don't know how I feel about this man-pile business and RA's looking the other way "approvingly" at quiet hour violations. What kind of show are they runnin' up there anyway. This was not the Shenawana I remember. Don't go South on me guys! "Quiet Hours means nothing in this dorm." Disgusted.

by Jeffrey D. Roorbach ’09
Shenawana has been pretty calm until now, but guys are coming back from dates, Big Al’s, or the movie (Mission Impossible III) and they’re wound up. Never mind that it’s 11:05; “quiet hours” means nothing in this dorm. I hear the cacophony beginning to rise and walk to the doorway of my room to see what’s going on.
“Man pile!!” someone screams, and guys come running to jump on the growing mound. At the bottom, someone grunts under the intense weight. Two soccer players have an impromptu game going in the hallway. The sounds of Halo, light sabers and movies blare from various rooms. The RA on duty walks around, sees nothing too violent, and nods approvingly of the mayhem. From the lounge come shouts of joy from guys watching a soccer game on TV as their team has just scored. Next door an IBC root beer chugging/belching contest is underway. “We’ll be down in ten minutes!” another guy yells out the bathroom window to friends waiting on the lawn.
If you’re bored in this dorm, it’s your fault.

21 comments:

Cameo said...

I'm stealing this.

Steve said...

I hear the Olympics involve nudity now too. Hmm.

Rocket Surgeon, Phd said...

We'll meet on the auxillary soccer field. With shouts of "Men on the Floor!" Lord Moisio and I will retake 3rd through the side entrance. Josh - you, Lord Stroud and Lord T-ice should come right up the main stairwell...I will instruct our few remaining loyal residents to meet you there. You must retake 2nd. I would do it myself but my association with 2nd might cloud my judgement.
Maxon, Lord Jones and Lord J-Dawg will enter through a back window in the basement.
After what I'm sure will be a brief conflict, they will prepare the rec room for hostage reassimilation.

After "relieving" the two RA's on 3rd of their duties Moisio and I will shine a light from room 317 to the parking lot alerting Lord Lawarren and Lords Keesler that the time for forced submission was at hand.
With the help of Lords Rinker, Crandall and Picardo we will then seal all exits as we resubmit - to our hall - Lord Joel Tom and Lord Holmwood...who will announce that it is truly quiet hours.
Meanwhile, Lord Maxon will be interviewing all residents for either repentance/assimiliation or deportation to South.

And Lord Freakin' Gary can pop us some corn...

Steve said...

Sounds brilliant, but I want the cool heads of Lords Vreeland and Hostetter by my side in the interviews to ensure fairness and accuracy.

BarefootKangaroo said...

I think I want LaWarren and Keesler on the entry team. I will give them the code names "Shock" and "awe."

OH THE HUMANITY!

sarah said...

ugh. shen has gone SOUTH.

Liana said...

This is too funny... and knowing LaWarren & Keesler, I can only continue to laugh... Nice job there, Job!
Looks like Shen is heading South & they might as well try to move Lambien to the top of the hill, too!

BarefootKangaroo said...

I say we throw the bruised and broken bodies of all who oppose us into a "man pile" in front of the dorm to serve as a warning to all who disagree with our draconian measures, and to reassure all those who desire a return of proper order to the happy house on the hill that the lawless days will never come back.

Rocket Surgeon, Phd said...

Wow...how could I have forgotten Lords Hostetter and Vreeland? "Hubie...your dorm needs you to sweep it one last time."

We will need to sit young Roorbach down for an intense interview...

Meanwhile, we will instruct Lord Chesner to take the Grand Master key to Mordor for destruction along with the fellowship of Lords Mezick, Dean and Fealko.

AWT.

Pastor Michael Jordan said...

Wow...I think the most underplayed part of this story is "guys watching a soccer game on TV." This is the most unacceptable of all the unacceptable behavior.

We need to pinpoint when this dorm began its downward spiral--could it have been the installation of carpet? The deal with the devil that was Jeff Holcomb as RDA? This is not the dorm of Sven Johnson and Ramon Solis, not the dorm of the brothers Gleason, Freeman Hwang, and Kevin "Bull" Troy (you old-schoolers know who I mean). It's not the dorm of a young Aaron Wells or that one dude Desmond...

until we retake it.

MJ

Pastor Michael Jordan said...

PS--might Monkeyboy make an appearance, Josh?

Seems to me he'd add something--btw, I use Monkeyboy all the time with my youth group.

MJ

BarefootKangaroo said...

I think the monkeyboy would definately psych them out if they tried to put up a feeble resistance. It can be very intimidating, but I think only the most meager of scraps would be left to me after wave after punishing wave of shen legends swept through the building like an all-consuming wall of purifying destruction.

I wonder if campus security would try and stop us or if they would just look the other way like the current pitiful bunch of Shen RA's. Possibly the rules against an all-consuming wall purifying destruction "means nothing" at Houghton College.

Steve said...

Wow. A Desmond reference. I'm stunned right now. Just beside myself.

Rocket Surgeon, Phd said...

I think it was me, Lord Jordan. WHere the dorm began its downward spiral.
I was on the cusp of your era...the last one out the dorm. And I forgot to unplug the coffee pot. It sparked and stuff. Burned our dorm down.

It was Me - that decided we should sing to Lambein in addition to East.
It was Me - that allowed certain men into the Lord High Council. Men that would later turn corrupt and offer up our hall as a sacrifice to their gods of inidiscretion.
It was Me - who woke up and asked Lord Matt Wills who he was as he slept on a spread out trash bag on the floor in the rec room and asked him to leave.
It was Me - that didn't know who he was!

Put out me eyes! "Lad? Take me by the hand and lead me to the front entrance of Shen, for my eyes are put out and I can't find my way.
Yes, thank you. Just let me lean my shoulder against the wall here. Run along now and watch your little European Soccer Game. Watch it real good. Watch it "approvingly".

Lord? LORD LET ME DIE WITH THE SHEN MEN!!!

It was me!!!!!"

BarefootKangaroo said...

Tears of laughter, and my jaws hurt from laughing.

Pastor Michael Jordan said...

Wow--Job, I don't know what to say. It's all right?

Someone needs some Lawarran Dukes hug-it-out therapy!

Maxon--I racked my brains for Desmond's last name and could not come up with it... for a cheesesteak next time you're down, can you remember?

MJ

Steve said...

Armstrong.

I'll be collecting soon, I promise.

Guarionex said...

Very unfortunate, the state of Shen is...
I think it might have gotten beyond the point of "cooler heads" being needed.....I will say more on this at some point. Until then, I hope that this can be some sort of inspiration for those of us who remember Shen in it's days of glory.

(The one formerly known as Freakin Gary)

The Shen Anthem
by David Johnson

Perched on the hill
High above the quad
All it means
Is we’re closer to God
It may be a pile of
bricks, no more
But true men don’t need
a carpeted floor

We’ve got diversity
to say the least
With freaks from north
to west to east
We walk around
In our underpants
And excel at breeding
Colonies of ants

Our lounges are dirty
And filthy with grime
Our bathrooms aren’t clean
But the smell is sublime
We like to make bombs
And flatulent sounds
We like to grow beards
That weigh twelve pounds

By the warm radiators
We’ll all be nestling
And watching hours and hours
Of professional wrestling
Well, sure we watch
A lot of TV
But keep in mind
We’ve got the Peaveys

The women adore us
What can we say?
And the guys from South Hall
Are definitely gay
So next time you want
To see some real men
Just take a walk through
The proud halls of Shen

Steve said...

Brilliant.

Rocket Surgeon, Phd said...

I have such peace right now

eaglesfan38 said...

Lords of Shen lend me your ears! The Greatest Dorm on Earth (also known as Shenawana Hall) has certainly not degenerated into a Lord of the Flies scenario, (or the heretical statement of “going South” yuck!) unless of course you are speaking about our wars against South, not Rothenbuhler (ick!). It is with great pride that I wish to report to you, the forerunners from our Great Dorm, that Shen has not only waged victorious battles against the residents of South, but will continue to battle members of South Hall wherever and whenever we find them! The article that I wrote was indeed part creative and part fact but the sacred traditions of our dorm (the man pile, the IBC, and indeed the noise) will never disappear! Lords of Shen please return anytime and guide us (and our RA’s and RD) in the sacred rites and traditions of our dorm! Long live SHEN! In the second year of the reign of Kliner the First,
Jeff Roorbach