When i first joined thre police department one of the senior sergeants I worked with took me out to lunch while we were on duty. After we had finished eating I went to the bathroom because I had to go #2, but when I was all done I noticed with horror that they had run out of toilet paper. I looked desperately around the room for anything that would serve as a substitute, but the closest I came was an extension cord coiled up in the corner. My socks were not an option because my shirt-stays were snapped onto them and they were thus a necessary part of my uniform. Finally, I radioed my sergeant who was still sitting out in the restaurant. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Uhhh... 728... 723.

Sarge: (Chuckling) Go ahead 728

Me: Ummm... I don't have the necessary paper work in here.

Sarge: 10-4 728 (Pause with more chuckling) I'll expedite!

Me: Thanks 723!

What do you think?

I have puposefully avoided "deserted island questions" up to now because I feel they are a little trite, but I have finally decided to succumb to the self-imposed pressure.

If you were stranded on a deserted island with one of the cast from Sesame Street (no real people) who would you choose?

Let me ask you this...

How many one dollar bills do you think you could carry for a mile if you got to keep the money if you successfully carried them for the entire mile without stopping or setting them down? You can carry them in as many duffel bags, backpacks, boxes or whatever as you can carry, but if you stop moving, can't finish the mile, drop or set down any of it you forfeit all of the money. How many one-dollar bills could you carry for a mile?

RIDDLE ME THIS

If you could only eat the meat of one type of animal for the rest of your life, which animal would you choose?

I question you!

If you had to be physically born again (not spiritually or figuratively reborn, but actually be born again as a baby) and you could not be born of the same Mother, whose womb would you select for your second birth? You must select a contemporary of child bearing age. No historical figures and also no relatives.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

My tribe!
The womb from which my tribe is springing!
The womb from which I sprung!

JOB HAS LANDED!!!

It's true. A little bit of the 802 in the 951. Bowden is excited! It is very good of my brother to come out and give of his time in the Lord's service at Camp Maranatha. Your reward is in heaven!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

If you had to live out the rest of your days in one city, and you could never set foot outside the city limits, which city would you choose?

Hey Bowden...

"Hey Bowden, do you know who's coming to see you this weekend?" I asked.

"Uncle Job! Yeah, and we're gonna go camping and eat owls! Whizzzzzzzzz!" he answered.


When Bowden gets excited he finishes most statements by slashing his finger through the air and saying "whizzzzzzz!" I don't understand it but I like it.

The Grift

If there’s something in the walls
Don’t assume that it’s a mouse.
What you hear may be a Grift
Who is living in your house.
If you ever see a Grift
Then it’s likely there are more-
Lurking in the cupboards
And concealed beneath the floor.

* * *
Like some evil dam has broken,
And its acid torrent loosed,
The Griftish hordes return each spring
On the backs of duck and goose.

* * *

When it comes to the Grift
Here’s some advice;
They’re not to be trusted!
They’re slick as ice!

DADDY BIG BUCK$

"Or what woman, if she has ten silver coins and loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? and when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying 'rejoice with me, for I have found the coin which I had lost!' In the same way, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels opf God over one sinner who repents." Luke 15:8-10

For the past two years Sarah and I have picked up every penny we have seen in every parking lot and grocery store aisle. We have snaked our finger into every coin return. We have scoured the ground as we walked. Every piece of money that we have found we kept in a big pickle jar on our kitchen counter. last night I counted the money and found that over the past two years we have accumulated $120.52 in found money! Now... what to do with it. I think we will start a savuings account and see how much we can put in there over the course of our lives.

In other strange money ideas. I was talking to a married couple a while ago who told me about an idea they had heard at a marriage conference once. The speaker recommended paying yourself for every time you have sex. Keep the money in a designated location and once a year spend it on a truly fantastic date. Maybe Sarah and I will start doing that.

When you surprise a mouse
It goes "EEK", scurry, hide...
Into the walls of your house
It goes "EEK", scurry, hide...

When you surprise a frog
It goes "ERP," hop, kersplunk...
Into puddle, pond, or bog
It goes "ERP," hop, kersplunk...

When you surprise a rabbit
It goes "thump,", jump, and run
Into the burrow it inhabits
It goes "thump," jump, and run.

When you surprise a skunk
It goes turn, lift, and spray
It fills the air with funk
When it goes turn lift and spray

When you surprise a stone
It does nothing at all-
Whether bothered or left alone
It does nothing at all.

True Story

Me: Hey Amigo! Do You know where I live?

Bowden: (Puzzled Expression)

Me: I live on a mountain. Only bad men live on this mountain. The higher you go- the badder they get!

Bowden: (Starts to leave the room.)

Me: Hey amigo!

Bowden: (He turns and looks at me again)

Me: I live at the tippy- tippy- top!

Bowden: (He walks into the other room and I hear him saying to Lucy "Hey GO! Do you know where I live?")

ADVOCATES OF PLANNED DWARFISM

My essay "Earth's Short Future" will be coming soon. Have patience my minion.

"I believe that by cutting the size of man in half we would effectively double the size of the earth and its resources."
Josh Tate (Visionary & Founder of the A.P.D.)

Jim Graham

He was never just a name at the bottom of a paycheck. My heart is grieved for Jim this morning.

"This is the heart of our enemy. He is determined to hinder and harm and ruin God's image bearers. To steal and kill and destroy. So, let me say this again: the story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it."
John Eldredge

"Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
I Peter 5:8

Jim always walked slightly stooped over- like there was some invisible weight pressing him down or maybe it was that he had been bent into that position by some former weight or some collective cumulative weight over time. Do you remember that walk? But there was an undeniable gentleness and goodness in the man. I loved him. I wish things had ended differently. It is cold and cruel on this side of eternity. There is only one thing worth living and dying for. Let us set our hearts on that one thing.

ABOUT FRUITS AND VEGETABLES

One of my pet peeves is when people call fruits vegetables. Tomatoes are not vegetables. Neither are squash, cucumbers, corn, or eggplant. These all belong to the fruit family.

My dictionary defines fruit as "a product of plant growth; esp.: a usu. edible and sweet reproductive body (as a strawberry or apple) of a seed plant."

Vegetable is defined as "A usu. herbaceous plant grown for an edible part that is usu. eaten as part of a meal; also: such an edible part."

This is a weak dictionary.

In short, however, a fruit is the seed bearing product of the plant, and a vegetbale is the root, stalk, leaf or other edible part of the plant. Cereal grains, berries, nuts, etc... are all part of the fruit family.

I'm glad I got that off my chest!

The Perfect Orange!

I just ate a perfect orange! It was one of those oranges where the peel is thick and comes off in almost one piece. And the flavor of the slices inside was sooooooo good. It truly put candy to shame! I tend to eat fresh fruit to excess when I have it, and right now, thanks to Sarah's Grandfather, I have bags full of tree-ripened oranges. Oh, truly my bowels will pay the price, but I just don't care!

So, about a week ago the camp's head cook, Cameo, tells me about this box of rotten apples that she wanted thrown in the dumpster. I thought it would be more fun to take a baseball bat and smash them into the gully which runs throught the camp. So I set the box aside in a shed and forgot about them until today when I rediscovered them. Have you ever seen a furry apple? I have.

About half of them were still good for smashing. So I went to the athletic supply closet and selected my weapon- a long, black, aluminum baseball bat and took the box of apples to the edge of the gully. One by one I lobbed them into the air and swung away. It was a very gratifying sensation to connect with the apple and watch as fragments exploded away from the bat and landed here and there amongst the rocks and trees in the bottom of the gully. (You're welcome forest creatures!)

I hated it when I swung and missed. It was kind of depressing to watch the unmarred apple roll out of my grasp over the lip of the gully, bounce, roll some mroe and come to rest safely out of my reach. Most of them are scattered in teeny-tiny bits though.

I will definately be doing that again. Therapeutic, it was!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Where is the most memorable/exciting place you have ever slept?

The pitch of the roof is not so steep
Yet steep enough I dare not sleep

For though it would be nice to drowse
Way up here atop the house
With a heavy sun in the west
And my body finally at rest
On shingles warm from midday sun
Though the cool of night has begun

The pitch of the roof is far to steep
For me to even think of sleep.